Senin, 17 Agustus 2009

[] Rage in Men Caused by Women

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Anyone can become enraged once in a while. But if you feel rage boiling within
almost constantly, or rage erupts from you frequently, you may have an organic
illness.On the other hand, you might have suffered some terrible injustice as a
child.One major, but largely ignored, category of such abuse is that of boys
emotionally, physically, or sexually damaged by women.This abuse is not only
widespread but may be at the root of much subsequent abuse of women by men.A
little boy abused by a woman suffers in similar ways to a little girl abused by
a man.In recent times it has become acceptable for women to speak out about the
abuse they suffered as children; most men feel no such permission is given to
them about the abuse they suffered as little boys at the hands of women. These
men are ashamed, and enraged.They are enraged because society accepts that men
can be angry but there is less acceptance for the male victims' feelings of
hurt, fear, inadequacy, guilt, embarrassment, and especially weakness and
vulnerability.A male victim smothers these emotions with anger. In this way, he
preserves his masculine image. But the cost is enormous.A man unaware of the
deep sources of his anger will, at the least, have troubled relationships with
women; at the worst, he may rape and mutilate.A male victim of childhood sexual
abuse by women displays the following behavior as an adult:>> Distrust of women.
>> Fear of intimacy. >> No separate identity. >> Readily feels guilt. >> Hard
time to accept compliments. >> Holds back emotions. >> Protects abuser(s). >>
Sexual difficulties. >> Seeks abuser's approval. >> Constantly apologises. >>
Fearful. >> Eager to care for others. >> Joyless. (Adapted from Blanchard,
1987*)The lousy feelings often erupt as rage. Ronald sought professional help to
change his vicious behavior toward his wife, Helen.Ronald would arrive home
disgruntled after a disappointing day (every day was disappointing) in the
architectural office where he worked, and an hour's drive to the suburb.Before
long, he would be kicking Helen. There was always some pretext for the kicks.
(Helen did not have supper ready, or she was on the phone, or she wore a dress
he hated...). Ronald never used his fists. Always his legs. He despaired of his
uncontrollable rage because he believed that ?Helen was the best thing that had
ever happened to me.?As Ronald talked more about his life, his hostility to
almost everyone became evident. He was jealous of his brothers, sneered at their
choices of wives, hated his job where he felt put upon, especially by female
colleagues.When Ronald spoke about his mother, he whined. Long stories of how
she favored one or other of his brothers, how he cringed in her presence, how he
avoided visits to her house yet was jealous of her contacts with his siblings.
Ronald was convinced his mother preferred one of his nephews, adding bitterly,
?Though my son was the first grandchild.?Hypnotherapy Heals the Hurt and the
RageWithin the comfort of hypnosis Ronald was able to connect his present-day
woes with unpleasant incidents in his childhood.This was accomplished with what
hypnotherapists call an ?affect link.? You allow yourself to feel a particular
emotion, such as grief. As you continue to experience the feeling, the
hypnotherapist asks you to recall an earlier time when you felt the same way.
Ronald's confused mix of bitterness, rage and sense of abandonment, swiftly drew
up a memory of his mother:?I'm six years old. Mummy keeps telling me I'm her
favorite. She tells me to come into her bed. It's warm there. I fall asleep,
snuggled beside her. I wake up. She's moving my leg up and down over this hairy
place between her legs. She's breathing funny. I'm scared. [Sobs]. She opens her
eyes a little and tells me it's okay. My knee is wet. I try to pull away but she
holds onto me, tells me to be a good boy, do this for Mummy. She seems out of
breath. I'm scared. Then she shakes and cries out. I'm even more scared and I
feel bad, like something's really wrong. I ask Mummy if she's all right. She
turns to me with a big smile, hugs me and says I'm her little man and everything
is fine. [More sobs, reddening of face].?But everything is not fine. I don't
understand. Mummy tells me this will be our special secret. She seems happy. And
she likes me best. So I keep quiet. And whenever she asks me I let her use my
leg to rub her where she wants. [Later Ronald described other sexual activity
his mother initiated]. I begin to like it, too. When I get old enough to have an
erection, Mummy plays with my penis. I really like that. But at the same time it
feels kind of weird. This stuff went on till I was eleven. I found out at school
what sex was supposed to be, and how bad it was what Mummy and me had been
doing. I felt sick.?With psychotherapy while he relaxed in hypnosis, Ronald made
some progress toward a healthier life, and control of his rage.Unfortunately,
his wife sabotaged the treatment. Ronald, like many sexually abused victims, had
(unconsciously) sought out a woman who would continue the abuse he had suffered
as a child.Helen had made no secret of her broad sexual experience prior to
meeting Ronald; indeed, she was proud of it. But her knowledge of the carnal
world and his relative innocence (sex with only one woman: his mother) repeated
the power pattern Ronald had suffered as a boy.When Helen saw that Ronald was
learning to control his rage, to lessen his hostile attitude and to relax, she
counterattacked. Helen had married Ronald because (unconsciously) she wanted a
man she could dominate and despise. His therapy threatened to upset the delicate
dance of danger they had created.Ronald was swiftly reduced to a sniveling,
angry puppet when Helen sneered at his progress and repeatedly reminded him of
what a Mummy's boy he had been.A final blow bounced Ronald out of therapy: Helen
telephoned the therapist, discussed Ronald's history, and insisted the therapist
not mention her call to Ronald. The following week Helen casually mentioned to
Ronald something the therapist had said to her. Ronald felt betrayed [he was]
and never returned to therapy.You may be doing very well with hypnotherapy when
a friend or relative sabotages your progress. This is not usually as dramatic or
underhanded as Helen's behavior. The disruption comes in the form of doubt. Your
friend may question the effectiveness of hypnosis, and cite the many hypnosis
myths that still pollute our minds.Once doubt is planted, hypnosis ends. Doubt
and fear keep us from relaxation. And relaxation is the route into
hypnotherapy.Dennis, like Ronald, suffered fits of rage. Unlike Ronald, Dennis
took these fits out on himself. He would tremble, and shake, and sweat and fear
he was about to pass out. Dennis knew his ambition to become a police officer
would never be realized unless he got over these fits. Like Ronald, he had
troubled relationships with women.Unlike Ronald, Dennis had slept with dozens of
women. All his longer-term relationships collapsed over an aspect of jealousy,
his or hers. Didn't matter. Dennis could not trust a woman.Dennis deliberately
sought out a male psychotherapist who sometimes used hypnosis. But so scared was
Dennis of going into hypnosis, that he spent several sessions in traditional
psychotherapy before he had plucked up enough courage to try hypnosis.Mothers
Are Not The Only Women Who Abuse Little BoysAs far as Dennis knew, he had not
been molested by his mother. Actually, he was not even sure who his biological
mother was. He had been born into a large, extended criminal family. He had
lived in seven different homes by the time he was five. All but one were homes
of his aunts, cousins or siblings. He got used to calling each aunt in turn
?mother.? The woman listed on his birth certificate showed no more, and no less,
maternal interest in Dennis than did any of her sisters who raised him.From as
far back as he could remember, Dennis had been abused: abandoned, ignored,
ill-fed, beaten, locked in a closet.The therapist helped Dennis sort out the
multitude of feelings that swirled within him.Finally, Dennis said he was ready
to try hypnosis. He was still frightened, despite the therapist's explanations
about the safety of the process. But it was not hypnosis itself that Dennis
feared; it was what might be uncovered.In one way, he was right to be wary. But
what was uncovered, awful as it was, freed Dennis from the last symbolic chains
that linked him to his abusive family and their criminal ways.In hypnosis,
Dennis traced his attacks of trembling to some disgusting sexual behavior of one
of his aunts when he was about four. What she had done to him and with him
amounted to torture. It had been so horrible he had repressed the details for
years, though ?I knew something had happened; I just didn't know what.?Now that
he knew what lay at the root of his rage and his attacks, Dennis was able to let
go of them. He felt forgiveness for his aunt because he knew of her own dreadful
background. It was as if to know what she had done liberated Dennis from any
lingering loyalty to his criminal relatives (all of whom were involved in drug
deals, prostitution, extortion, etc.).Now Dennis felt fully comfortable with his
decision to apply to the local police training college.*Blanchard, Geral.
(1987). Male Victims of Child Sexual Abuse: A Portent of Things to Come, Journal
of Independent Social Work, 1-1, 19-27.Victims of childhood sexual abuse can
become victors. Dr Bryan Knight -- Canada's foremost hypno-psychotherapist --
writes about how adults can transform their lives despite such trauma:

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